9:35 am pacific time – Kickoff. Tony Adams welcomes with another in his vibrant collection of scarves.
940 – 5 minutes in, still can’t get a grip on what formation Rafa’s utilizing. My estimate is the following: Skrtel and Agger flanking Carragher at the back, Aurelio & Mascherano holding, Dossena and Arbeloa opposite each other on the halfway line out wide, Babel and Benayoun supporting lone striker Ngog. By my calculations, that's a 3-2-2-2-1. At this point he’s playing Fifa 09. This is either my absolute or least favorite formation of all time.
943 – I ask you, how is it that Yossi Benayoun is effective when he’s the live-action Ratatouille, only Jewish? Or maybe that is why. Nevermind.
948 – Liverpool’s eight men attacking are swarming their opponent's half, even without Torres & Gerrard. Who’s scoring out of the eight heavily remains to be seen.
953 – Pompey are going down if they don’t switch managers. Quite and bright clear. No fight here early whatsoever. Also, officially decided I’m for Rafa’s choice in shape today. Gotta possess testes of the highest order to play three at the back on the road, I reckon.
1000 – Mascherano denied brilliantly by David James. The Reds need that, defensive-minded players pushing forward looking to assist in attack. Tony's tied his scarf 'round his neck to keep warm.
1003 – Three thoughts: I’d love to throw alley-oops to Peter Crouch for like a half hour, and with their victory and Chelsea drawing today, Aston Villa is in 3rd, and by Tuesday night will probably be just 8 point shy of Man U, with Chelsea and Arsenal trailing. 'Tis the season for the unlikeliest of runner ups, viz. the Tampa Rays and Arizona Cardinals. Villa for 2nd. Oh, and third, Glen Johnson's cornrow ends resemble the calamari I had at this place on Washington like a week ago. Just saying.
1008 – Rafa looks a little nervous his experiment hasn’t breached James yet. Like he wet himself, just a little, but it's ok, cause halftime is like fifteen away, we have quality on the pitch, we will go forward as usual, with quality.
1012 – And Howard Webb looks as though amongst English refs he hits the gym most frequently, which is saying barely anything, but whatever. And I only mention this because it then led to shuddering at the sight of Ed Hochuli in premier league shorts. No homo, though.
1020 - Mandatory “Tony kinda looks like he could use one” shot here. It's nil-nil at halftime, with Torres, Alonso, Riera, and Kuyt on the bench at Benitez’s disposal. Wouldn’t surprise me if he tried to get all four on.
1023 – One day I’m going to sit down and count exactly the amount of commercials FSC has in tow. Can’t be more than 15. You know shit’s getting stale when men are getting pissed at the sight of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s face. Also, the North London derby would have been so much better than ManU - Hammers tomorrow. I'm sure it's not up to the channel, but still.
1029 – More Proactiv.
1033 – One more Proactiv ad for you, in case you dipped your face into a basket of eggrolls in the last 4 minutes.
1037 – Second half begins, Krancjiar on for Hayden Mullins. He’s either on the front line of the grittiest of Slavic infantries from the early 90s or the sequined and sparkled male half of a bronze-medal-winning ice-skating pair. Or the lovechild of Sasha Vujacic and Pau Gasol. No subs for Rafa, sticking to his guns. That shoot blanks.
1045 – One more for you: Skrtel is either Vidic after a six-month meth binge or Willem Defoe as Nosferatu. Or a lovechild of those two. And you can see Angelos Basinas’ dome shining from up here. Greek sweat glands apparently produce an unnaturally bright varnish. Elsewhere, Kuyt, not Torres, comes on for Ngog. Some kind of record in bet-hedging is set.
1053 – John Champion is of far greater eloquence than I, and thus his description of a Ryan Babel sitter: “There will be no better chance missed up and down the country anywhere this weekend.”
1056 –Wouldn’t be right if Pompey didn’t take the god damn lead right after that. David Nugent from Crouch with shades of offside, an Evertonian sinking Liverpool and Rafa’s experiment. Tony Adams reaction= Snoop’s after acquittal.
1102 – Alonso on for Dossena, who I completely forgot was even on the pitch. Torres still on the bench. Crouch shits himself and hangs his keeper out to dry, and it’s adjudged a backpass and Liverpool have a free kick from the penalty spot, Aurelio to take.
1104 – Goal! A absolute fucking missile into the right bottom corner past James and Krancjiar. 1-1, twenty minutes remaining, drama to surely ensue.
1110 –Torres to come on, Benitez abandons formation altogether. Kuyt scores but is incorrectly judged to be off. Best part about England: justice will be served.
1112 – Soon as I open my mouth about justice, Hreidarsson, up from left back, scores on a Belhadj free kick. Carragher fails to mark, Pepe Reina channels Mike Piazza and loses the ball off the dirt, and if it seems a bit cruel to be 2-1 Pompey, you need to accustom yourself propmtly to the English Premier League.
1117 – Hey, how's s'more drama for you? Kuyt squeezes it into the near top corner, and it’s even at 2 now, with under ten minutes remaining. This game is now ridiculously paced, and I’m having trouble juggling watching, recounting, and feeling sorry for myself and my illness. Tony Adams releases our shared frustrations on a dugout chair.
1124 – Wouldn’t you fucking know it, Torres heads home and its 3-2 Liverpool. How terribly, terribly cruel for Portsmouth. David James at fault again, but regardless this has been some fight from Liverpool. Did I say something about justice? And where the hell have all these goals come from?
1127 – Pepe claims a last ditch ball into the box, and that’s that. Another masterpiece, I need a nap.
